The Hypcratic Republic of Pakistan: A Profile

Country profile: Pakistan

Posted by Nadeem F. Paracha in Dawn Blogs

History

The state of Pakistan occupies an area which was home to some of the earliest Neanderthal settlements, some of whose decedents can still be found hiding in caves in the mountains of North Pakistan. The only difference is, in the Stone Ages, these Neanderthals were armed with clubs and stones, and today they are armed with guns and bombs. Remarkably though, they remain as furry as they were millions of years ago.

The modern state of Pakistan was born out of the partition of the Indian sub-continent in 1947 and has faced many regional confrontations, usually brought on by its continuing habit of poking its nose where it doesn’t belong.

Created to meet the demands of Indian Muslims who wanted to have their own boxing ring, Pakistan was originally in two parts: Part 1 was called Maula Jat and Part 2 was called Jat in Dhaka. The east wing - present-day the Flooded Republic of Bangladesh - is on the Bay of Bengal bordering the Bollywood Republic of India and the Miserable Republic of Burma. The west wing - present-day the Not-Quite-Arab Republic of Pakistan - stretches from the Arabian Sea to the Himalayas and - according to famous patriots and military geniuses like Munawar Hussain and Zaid Hamid – the country actually stretches all the way to New Delhi, Kabul, Tashkent and maybe even Beijing (the last needs to be conquered because Chinese eat frogs and frogs are makru, even if some people say that they taste just like chicken).

The break-up of the two wings came in 1971 when the mainly Bengali-speaking and fish-eating east wing seceded with help from the Elders of Zion.

The disputed northern territory of Kashmir has been the flashpoint for two of the three utterly useless India-Pakistan wars - those of 1948 and 1965. There was a further brief but bitter armed conflict after Islamic militants (ironically led by an enlightened-moderated army man, General P. Mush Bonaparte) infiltrated Indian-administered Kashmir in 1999. After the operation ended in a fiasco, he blamed it on the not-very-enlightened-moderated former prime minister, Mian Naraaz Sharif.

Civilian politics in Pakistan in the last few decades has been tarnished by corruption, inefficiency, confrontations, and bad breath between various institutions and/or whatever institutions that are left in the country. Actually, the word political institution is an oxymoron when discussed in the context of Pakistani politics and state.

Alternating periods of civilian and military rule have not helped to establish stability. In fact, instability is the only stable tradition in Pakistan; a tradition that is being passionately upheld by a series of TV talk shows because political stability would mean lack of viewership and advertising revenues for the channels and a drastic drop in popcorn sales that could turn people into boring book readers which is so passé.

Pakistan came under military rule once again in October 1999 after the ousting of a civilian government that had lost a great deal of public support because the public lost its appetite for rich Mughal dishes such as nihari, paye, and biryani which Prime Minister Naraaz Sharif was a great fan of.

He has since become a vegetarian and is usually taunted as becoming a sissy by Brig. (rtd.) Cookie Monster Billa, the architect of the Afghan Jihad and – according to trendy patriot Madam Maria B - the 1857 Indian Mutiny in which the madam also took part as a gallant needle-worker. Her gallantry was praised by the famous poet Mubashir Lucman on the recommendation of Adolf Hitler. Madam Maria B. still has her famous 1857 needles with which she now pokes voodoo dolls of her competitors in Pakistan’s cut-throat fashion world.

Mr Mush eventually relinquished his army post amidst tears in November 2007, but at parliamentary elections in February 2008, his supporters were defeated, also amidst tears.

The Pakistan Khapay Khapay Khapay Party (KKK) formed a coalition government led by Asif Zulfikar Ali Bhutto Zardari and an impeachment process was launched against Mush, who resigned (amidst more tears) in August 2008.

Pakistan’s place on the world stage shifted after the September 11, 2001, attacks in the US. It dropped its support for the Neanderthal regime in Afghanistan and was propelled into the front line in the fight against terrorism, becoming a key ally of the Elders of Zion and assorted secret Freemason societies.

However, Pakistani forces have struggled to maintain control over the restive Neanderthal regions along the Afghan border, where Neanderthal militants are firmly entrenched with sophisticated dish antennas hidden in their turbans and bombs strapped around their tummies which they claim is only a weight reducing exercise. But nobody (except maybe the brilliant Lord Imran Khan), believes them.

In the spring of 2009, the government attempted to reduce disaffection in the troubled north-western Swat district by agreeing to the imposition of the Whipping Women Law.

Far from improving security, this move allowed the Neanderthals to tighten their grip on the region, and the agreement broke down after only a few whips. Since then, the government has waged a rolling military campaign to flush the furry Neanderthals out of the tribal areas - an act that many sensitive Pakistanis such as Professional Hajji Aamir Qayamat and the notorious Male Nurse Shahid Masood have criticized.

Tensions with India over Kashmir have resurfaced regularly ever since the partition of the sub-continent, and the two nuclear-armed (but empty bellied) powers have on numerous occasions been on the brink of renewed conflict that promises to be as exciting as a close Twenty20 cricket match on a bouncy pitch. Or, at least, that’s what most Pakistani and Indians think. Idiots.

Asif Zulfikar Ali Bhutto Zardari won the presidential race of September 6, 2008, by a big majority. His election by Pakistan’s legislators came a few weeks after his predecessor General P. Mush Bonaparte resigned amidst tears under threat of impeachment that, however, has now turned into an imbananament!

At his swearing-in ceremony, Mr Zardari said he was accepting the post of president in the name of his assassinated wife, Benazir Bhutto, who was killed by a leading Neanderthal who himself was killed by an American drone attack. Many Pakistanis do not approve of American drone attacks, even if they usually manage to kill the scum of the earth. However, it is likely Pakistanis would have hailed the drone attacks had they come from the Saudis who are our brothers and we their camels.

Media

General P. Mush Bonaparte’s rule ushered in increased freedom for the print media and a liberalisation of broadcasting policies. Television is the dominant medium, and there are around 50,000 private channels all babbling about the same things.

More than 100 private FM radio stations have been licensed. Fake American accents and low IQ levels are firm prerequisites for success. These FM stations are not allowed to broadcast their own news programmes, and thank God for that!

Scores of unlicensed FM stations are said to operate in the tribal areas of North-West Frontier Province. They are usually operated by Neanderthal RJs, of which DJ Fazalullah In Da Caaaaave is the most popular.

The broadcasting regulator can order a halt to the carriage of foreign TV channels via cable. However, the spouting of utter nonsense and hate speeches on local channels is allowed. Keeps popcorn sales from falling.

Pakistan’s press is among the most outspoken in South Asia, although its influence is limited by a literacy level of around 50 per cent. Out of these, perhaps a mere 5 per cent actually make the effort to read a newspaper and those who do read newspapers they read dailies that spout utter nonsense and scribble hate speeches. Nadeem F. Paracha of the Daily Zion is one such iblees.

There are around 18 million internet users in Pakistan. A growing number of bloggers write about politics, and informative, engrossing and intelligent discussions take place on various internet sites. Here is one example:

Superbilla:
What you think you think you are you kafir anti-Islam Pakistan Afghanistan Israeli Hindu dog!

Pakpunk:
Oh, you shut up you deobandi terrorist what you think you are you and I am I am great Muslim and Pakistan jeeay jeeay yea!!

Munchkins:
Oh why you fight you both you fight you both we all Muslim ummah and Pakistani patriots so we should get together and gather and explode atom bum on India!!!!

Superbilla:
Oh you shut up you hypocrite you not real Pakistani but Ahmadi nonsense, oh you bastaaaaaaaa!!!

Munchkins:
Shut up your face you blasphemy man you destroy unity of Muslim ummah and reader of kafir NFP you too bastaaaaaaaa!!!!

Moderator:
Guys please refrain from using bad language. We are Pakistanis and Muslims and this is a respectable forum where tolerance is practiced.

Munchkins:
Oh why you say this to me to me what about superbilla and pakpunk I am tolerant best Muslim in whole wide world like Pakistan best country in whole wide world.

Moderator:
I said exhibit tolerance and respect, okay? That goes for all.

PartabIndia:
Thank you, sir, for the tolerant words. I am from India and …

Moderator:
Oh, you bastaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!